It’s taken me awhile to sit down and write this blog, I’ve spent much time reflecting, collecting my thoughts, and sinking into God, to understand the lessons He wants to teach me.
This blog is for all my sisters out there who are going through a season of brokenness. Those who feel like a puddle on the ground, a wheel that’s lost it’s spokes, a building which has crumbled or living the reality of a bad dream. Picking up the pieces of a broken heart is so difficult, in fact next to impossible. But let me first encourage you with this, you are not meant to pick up these pieces on your own. The creator of the universe, your heavenly Father will not let you go through this alone.
Three weeks ago was the beginning of my heartbreak, as I sat across from the man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, to discover that he felt otherwise. Someone broke my heart. Someone ushered those frightening break up words to me and just like dropping a bomb, it was over. I picked up the pieces, walked out the door and said goodbye to my best friend and the man I loved. Erasing someone out of your life who reserved space in your heart for two years is no easy task, but I believe in a God who heals, restores, and whose plans for my life are better than my own.
My plan, was typical of a girl in love for the first time. He had captured my heart and from the first time he told me he wanted to marry me, my heart leaped all the way around the monopoly board and passed GO! I dreamed of a future with him, the places we would live, the adventures we would have and the children we would raise together. All that to sink into the reality of what it really looks like to truly relinquish my plans to God.
I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I have been fully healed, that I’m ready to move on, and that everyday is joyful. It’s not. Each day brings it’s own struggles, but my hope is in a living God who loves me dearly, and whenever I choose to return to His promises, the healing begins.
The Lord has been teaching me big things during this season, and the main theme is WILDERNESS.
God is leading me out of this season of city life, into a season of life in the wilderness. This is not only the case spiritually, but literally as well. This summer I will be spending all my time in the wilderness as a backpacking guide for campers between the ages of 14-18. It was a position I was originally reluctant to take, but after the Lord closed a door in my life, it became very obvious that he was opening this one. I could not be more excited to walk with these campers all summer in the wilderness, while sharing the love of Christ with them, but it will certainly be difficult.
This season of city life that I was overwhelmed by, was wonderful. Once again this analogy isn’t just spiritual but literal as well. My ex-boyfriend lives in the city of Denver. On a regular basis, and by that I mean any weekend I could spare, I returned to the city. We enjoyed our weekends seeking out hipster coffee shops, laughing, drinking coffee, talking endlessly about future and present plans, eating good food, going to church, socializing, and watching great movies. I spent my weekends investing in his life in Denver, creating a community in his church, and making friends with his friends, and during the week I merged back into the college lifestyle. I was never bothered by these two lifestyles, in fact I felt very blessed to be able to experience both. A city has many beautiful and adventurous things to offer, but cities are prone to fill our lives with worldly things that can distract us from Godly things. Cities are where I flourish and where I plan to spend my life, however I must be on guard while living that lifestyle, because it can easily ensnare me.
We were both in that season of city life together, but God has begun to move me into different scenery.
The Lord revealed to me this verse in Micah 4:10, “Writhe in agony, Daughter Zion, like a woman in labor, for now you must leave the city to camp in the open field. You will go to Babylon; there you will be rescued. There the Lord will redeem you out of the hand of your enemies.”
God is calling me to this season of restoration, a season in the wilderness where He wants to pursue me once again. He’s bringing me to the wilderness so that I can learn to sing His song once again. He is revealing to me my bareness so that I can learn to lean on Him. God calls all of us to the wilderness, where He wants to completely captivate our hearts with no distractions. Spending the majority of my summer on a trial, carrying a backpack, camping in tents, using trees and bushes as my toilet, sounds a bit frightening and definitely out of my comfort zone. But in this wilderness is where the Lord will restore my heart, where those pieces will be glued back together, and where the Lord will show me His plans for the future. This season of wilderness however started three weeks ago, but it’s taken time, strength and a lot of trust to lift that backpack and take the first step. Just like a parent teaching their child how to walk, the Lord is teaching me how to trust in plans that are out of my control.
The verse in Micah continues later on with this,“But now many nations are gathered against you. They say, “Let her be defiled, let our eyes gloat over Zion!”. But they do not know the thoughts of the Lord’ they do not understand his plan, that he has gathered them like sheaves to the threshing floor.”
The Lord warns us of these trials, and warns us that the enemy is only around the corner waiting to pounce. Each day as I take up my cross, or my backpack, the enemy wants to burden me with rocks in my pack instead of filling it with confidence. He wants to run me down, he wants that backpack to weigh more than it does. With a heavy backpack my feet grow weary, and my spirit dim, but the Lord wants to lift me up on wings like eagles. He wants to see me soar. He wants to see me carry this backpack strong, and He wants to see me rejoice in this season and carry this backpack for His glory. And we have strength in Him to do so, “in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loves us”.
God wants to lead you by still waters, “I will make them walk by brooks of water in a straight path in which they shall not stumble”. God wants to lead us to Him, God wants to show Himself as the ultimate pursuer, as the ultimate lover of our soul, “I have loved you with an everlasting love, therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. Again I will build you, and you shall be built”.
These are truths that we must rest on. When the water starts rising and you feel as though you are drowning in your brokenness and confusion, know that GOD IS GOOD. Meditate on these verses, run to His promises, because He is the only hope we have in this world of brokenness. Take this from someone who is in the midst of brokenness, in the midst of a trial, but the enemy will NOT overtake me, for I serve a God who moves mountains, whose love never fails, and whose love is unconditional! Let the world see this love you have inside of you, and encourage the sisters around you who are experiencing the same thing. Give glory to Him who deserves it, and give glory to the hope that you have for your future!
While reading a devotional exactly a week after the break up, I received this nugget of wisdom from Oswald Chambers: “The surf that distresses the ordinary swimmer produces in the surf-rider the super-joy of going clean through it”
This surf will not overtake me, instead I will stand up on my surf board and glide through this wave with joy. And when I reach the sand at the finale of this surf God is going to have something incredible for me, a plan for my life that I never would have imagined. Be hopeful, God has great plans!
Some other verses God has been encouraging me with recently:
“the people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness” – Jeremiah 31:2
“for still the vision awaits it’s appointed time, it hastens to the end-it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not delay” – Habakkuk 2:3
“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge, his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart” – Psalm 91:4